Aaron Allston rocks. Thank you for flushing out Syal's character and giving me some material to work with.

And yet again, I have to ask myself: is my writing any good?

The letter from the Refelctions judge was a real ego boost, I'm not going to lie, but does any of the praise really have any meaning? One of the reasons I flunk all my timed writings is because I'm too focused on writing 7s, that I freeze up and write 4s. I see where I want my writing to go--I know exactly what I want to write and how I want to write in ten years. Frankly, if the amount I've improved in just the last six months is anything to go by, it'll be fucking fantastic by the time I'm thirty.

But what do I do in the meantime?

That's my question. Lately nothing satisfies me 100%, and that makes me sad. What if everything so far is a fluke and I wake up one day realizing I can't write and I've just been wasting my time the last two years?


I'm not good at math. I'm not good at science. I don't do well with many video games; I can't play any instruments. I don't sing well at all. I can't cook worth a shit. I'm inept at dressing myself. I'm not good with boys. I am not athletic. The only thing I have to my name is that I'm a writer.

I feel that, in this area at the very least, I should excel. I mean, the universe was really being a bastard if I'm not above average at anything, wouldn't you agree?

I want, need, and deserve the praise I'm getting. By the same token, I don't want to get complacent, which I guess was the whole point to this entry. I'm just reminding myself that, yes, people like the way I write, and, yes, there may even be some merit to what they're saying--but I should just thank them, and take it with a grain of salt. I can't afford to get a big head, because I'm terrified of losing the one thing I'm actually good at.

I'm going to continue writing about Alegra, with ten fingers and nine toes. It might distract me from Will and Veronica, but I think those whores are self-sufficient enough that I can pick up where I left off in that storyline.

 I do, however, need to work on "Snow"'s outline. I want to have a fixed conflict before I go back to creative writing. I'm also really, really hoping for a 5/5 on that last choice piece. It's the first chapter, I know, so it probably won't get a 5 because it's not finished, but I think it's good. At least a four point five. I mean, Ilike it better than the first choice piece, and that got a 4.5. If Haug gives it a four point five, I know it's good. I just wonder what I have to do to get a 5.
 
I probably won't find out.

Current Mood: ecstatic

Hi, we've had a rocky relationship. I hated Titanic and never gave Terminator 2 a chance. I didn't even notice it had been fifteen years since your last film release. I admit that when I saw the previews for Avatar I thought it was some terrible mashup of FernGully and Planet of the Apes.

I was wrong. I was so very wrong.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for not giving your film a chance. That was the single greatest theatrical experience of my life.

I'm so very sorry, James Cameron. I will never doubt you again.

Yours,
Lane

"Save the strong, lose the weak, never turning the other cheek. Trust nobody, don't be no fool. Whatever happened to the Golden rule?" - Stevie Ray Vaughan

Yesterday, I was dumped for a joint. I can't say that my feelings weren't hurt by this; I assumed these people were close enough friends that they could not only tell me to my face that I needed to find another ride to Chuy's, but also that they wouldn't blow me off for drugs in the first place. In all areas, I was incorrect.

As usual, making an asssumption made a complete ass out of me. Times like this show you who your real friends are. Misbah really helped me out; she was honest with me and didn't let me continue to play the fool, unlike other people who were all too willing to let me keep the role. Katie let me vent my frustrations and could empathize with me to a certain extent--something I was and am, grateful for. Keely talked to me about it and really helped me just calm down from the whole thing; she talked to me for over an hour about random stuff, and she was able to help me get out of an awkward situation. David, Marcus, Patrick, and Michael were all there to listen, as well as murder me in Risk.

And also, Michael helped me with my other mission.

It does seems so unbelievable that I completely lost respect for three people in less than three minutes--and it only got worse as the day went on. And what's worse is that I had bad feelings about all three before yesterday, but I didn't want to listen to myself. I guess I know now where ignoring my intuition gets me. Hurt, embarassed--with less friends than before. It's okay. I'm not angry anymore, really.


One person in particular I think is a backstabbing, two-faced bitch, but she was never really a big part of my life, just a sophomore trying to hang out with the big boys--a mosquito not worthy of a swat. She bit me to further herself, and that's okay--it's just a vague annoyance; a little red bump that itches from time to time.

The other person was like a spider; her bite was a little more dangerous. I really thought we were good friends, but this just showed me what a one-dimensional personality she really has. In this case I'm mostly angry at myself for not knowing better, for not taking the time to figure out what people are worth building relationships with. It's my own fault for not seeing it coming.

I won't apologize for being drug free.

I pity people who aren't, really, because I know they don't know what they're getting into jumping so enthusiastically into the world of drugs. I also am vaguely jealous of them; they've had a better life than me, because it's because of my shitty childhood that I'm so anti-drug in the first place.

If someone can't deal with the fact that I'm not a druggie, and can't find a way to fit me into his or her life because I don't, well, that person isn't worth it. I'm only sorry that I made bad decisions in forming a few relationships. Next time I know I'll do better, because now I know that I should listen when my subconcious is screaming at me that someone is no good.

So, we went to see "The Princess and the Frog" on Friday night. Overall, I enjoyed it (and I'm anxious to hear what Mi thinks of it, as she's far more knowledgeable on movies and Disney than I).

( My Thoughts Under The Cut )